Microwave Orphans (Kings Park, New York) is:
Matt Orphan (vocals)
Salvador Dallow (guitar, keyboard)
Sleazy Ian (guitar)
J.D. (drums)
Action Jackson (bass)
Sexual Harrison (guitar)


The Microwave Orphans have been "keepin' it weird" for about five years now, and find themselves, ironically, as one of the oldest bands left of the Long Island Punk scene from the early-to-mid 90's. The band has had about as many bass players as Spinal Tap had drummers, and though none of them spontaneously combusted, one of them did worship Marilyn Manson and mysteriously vanished, leaving behind a trail of people who wanted to kill him...and that was just during the first gig! Their split-cd with 48 In the Basement, "Young N' Abrasive" is still available from Eiffel Trousers for really cheap. I, Crazy Pablo, recently was able to meet with Matt Orphan, who was kind enough to grant an interview.

Crazy Pablo: What are your names and what do you do?

Matt Orphan: Well, we are: Matt Orphan - Vocals/Interpretive Dance; Salvador Dallow - Guitars/Keyboards; Sleazy Ian - Guitars/Drug Abuse; J.D. - Drums/Stuff; Action Jackson - Bass/Complaining; Sexual Harrison - Guitars/Motorhead Tattoos.

CP: How old were you when you realized you wanted to be in a weird band?

MO: It was decided in the womb I think. [This can be confirmed by pictures his parents took between '79 and '81 - Ed.]

CP: Have you ever dreamt of being a 70 year old blues singer from the Mississippi Delta?

MO: Have I ever! [He's NOT lying - Fred.]

CP: If you could have any piece of equipment what would it be?

MO: I know that Dallow wants one of those super-theremins - that'd be neat.

CP: What/whom inspires you to create such weirdness?

MO: Sadly enough, reality.

CP: How does it feel to have someone who should know the answers asking you dumb and/or obvious questions?

MO: It makes me feel somewhat important.

CP: Has any word been heard of Jay the Psychotic Bass Player since 1995?

MO: Actually, yes. He comes into Tower Records where I work a lot and he looks like TV's Jay Sherman [from cartoon "The Critic" - Ted.] now.

CP: Do you think that Rudy Guliani's cancer and extramarital affairs will be enough to get him to leave his Mayoral post in disgrace, or do you feel this will only make him seem more "human" to dumbass voters, like impeachment and sex scandals did for Bill Clinton?

MO: Hahahaha! I saw him on TV, but didn't actully listen to a word he said. I was to busy making fun of his speech impetimpetimpetimentola...

CP: What do you think of the FTC's decision that forces the major labels to lower CD prices? And shouldn't it have been implemented ages ago? Or do you feel that the "threat" of indie labels selling mp3 albums over the web has scared the bejeezus out of these lame-ass motherfuckers?

MO: I think it's definitely about time they go down, and frankly, I like them being frightened. You know something is going right when Metallica and Dr. Dre are crying because they are not making enough millions off of kids thanks to Napster. [At press time, it was announced that a U of Oregon student has been arrested for "digital piracy" of MP3s and could face a $250,000 fine and three years in jail. The fact that the government can move quickly to enact and enforce legislation that will most likely have kids (or anyone with some computer savvy) arrested for making "illegal" copies of MP3 songs (that the five major labels own, of course) but cannot restore funds to people who need Welfare to better themselves or raise their children or spend real money on educating children really makes me want to vomit ("Corporations Über Alles") - Ed (again).]

CP: Do you think enough people will vote for a third party candidate (such as Jello Biafra) this year to scare the pants off the Establishment, or do you see it as being "business-as-usual" where 54% of 17% of the population enables another jack-ass like "Dubya" or "Tin Man" to get elected?

MO: Unfortunately, I don't think enough people will vote for a third party candidate.

CP: What is new in the land of Eiffel Trousers Records?

MO: Not much really. We are planning to put out a full length. The whereabouts of what label it's going to be on are not yet certain, but ETR still lives on, I assure you that!

CP: Do you ever get sick of people pointing at you and yelling "Hey it's the Poo guy!"?

MO: actually never have been called the "Poo guy." I think you have me mistaken for Bruce [McCulloch, from Kids In The Hall].

CP: Just checking, since I have all the videotapes now.

CP: Does the "new" Rollins Band suck ass or what? Butt-rock for 2000! YEAH!

MO: Ummm, I dunno. I haven't heard it. I've been too busy listening to the Devo anthology ["Pioneers Who Got Scalped." Go out and buy it now, kids!] I don't need anything else

CP: Anything else you'd like to add to this?

MO: Yeah, I want to tell the kid listening to the new Pantera CD to look out his window, 'cause his girlfriend is fucking his dad. Sorry guy. That's what listening to Pantera gets you!!!

CP: I couldn't agree more!

Microwave Orphans' Official Web Site (hosted at Taco Wagon!)